Is it so wrong to want both worlds? Are we at some point in our lives supposed to decide: do I want to be smart or do I want to attempt to be beautiful? Or is this decision already made for us?

It’s so childish and immature. I want both. I want to be taken seriously and I want people to be shocked at my intelligence. That sounds ridiculous when worded like that.
When did I turn into such fluff? I am a vanilla person. Just a huge vanilla marshmallow cloud. Kids love me, stoned boys love me, but as cute and delicious as I may look–there’s not a five star restaurant in the world serving vanilla marshmallow fluff for desert. I try and try. I keep current with world events. I have an adequate vocabulary. I can speak for five minutes and never once use the word “like”.

It’s not enough. I feel like such an idiot, constantly. I realize I’m not gorgeous, I know that. But I also know that I very much look like the wholesome girl next door. That’s a nice way of saying that I look ignorant.

It’s disappointing to realize, that’s all. What more can be done? I am putting my best effort out there, I really am.

Obviously not that long ago. Seems strange, and obviously very premature. But still, I’ve been there and that’s strange. I actually can’t believe my parents were going to let that happen, and his parents for that matter. Everyone was really excited about that… why? I was nineteen years old. We had been dating for four years, but it had been an on and off four years.

I was looking through photos of a friend of mine’s recent wedding. They are only twenty-one and twenty-two as I would have been and it blows my mind. If I had gone through with the wedding, I would be married for a month and a half at this point in time. The person that I am right now can’t even wrap her head around that. I can’t even imagine being married, right now or even in thirty years.

This isn’t the first time that it’s crossed my mind, especially within recent weeks, but every time I think about it, I wonder who was happier–the me then or the me now. I feel as though I’m happier now, but whose to really know? If I thought that there was a point in time that I could actually MARRY someone, how do I know that two years from now I will look back and wonder how I could have done any of the things I’m doing right now?

I feel much more scared now. Which is strange that I even think of that, because it’s the reason I broke off the engagement. It was not because I was scared of getting married, it was because I knew it was the safest route and I didn’t want an easy life. I wanted to feel scared, that good kind of scared that rushes through you and keeps you up at night, but that you know is there for a very good reason. And at the end of the fear, there’s something incredible. I wanted that fear and now that I have it, it’s almost overwhelming. I am terrified, of almost everything. Occasionally I get freaked out and lie in bed praying that the day never begins, but mostly I am happy with it. It’s hard to breathe, but I know that I’m working towards something that I really want. And you know what? I’m not going to let myself quit this time. I’m not changing my plans because I get scared.

I’m going to be scared and just take a huge chance on something. It’s much too easy to be indecisive and I cannot risk that.

It’s just a shame that we can’t let anything be. Whether it’s relationships, nature, weather, agriculture, it does not matter. We have fixed everything.

We have picked apart every minor personality “flaw” and named them psychological diseases. Essentially every single alteration we have made to food has only been harmful–to us and the environment. With all of the artificial things we surround ourselves with, we are just killing ourselves. And it’s continuously escalating. There is no end insight.
Will we just continue to pick apart everything until we ruin it all? Will we regress into a prehistoric-like society, like selfish cavemen?

Has the modern altered world simply made us miserable?

I only have twenty-one years behind me so it is impossible for me to know if the present is any different than the past. Maybe people have always been this angry, but part of me finds this very hard to believe.

We’re all taking life too seriously. Don’t mark me off as some crazy hippy, but if we take a look from the outside of everything, it won’t seem so important.

Maybe we really shouldn’t take life so seriously. We don’t get out alive and we might as well enjoy what there is.

Maybe the Beatles had it right, let it be.

The last photo was taken on Friday and there has been more flooding in that area since.

Anyway, it was strange to sit on my porch this afternoon and enjoy such a beautiful day when five blocks away, there was a natural disaster. If it weren’t for the occasional circling news-copter, I would have forgotten entirely about the flood.

I ended the day with a long marathon of Sex and the City. I’d like to hate the show, I really really would, but there’s just something that draws me in. Anyway, more than one episode of that and I spend the rest of the evening in a very strange mood. I think it gives me the desire to behave a little less pathetically. I’d hate to think that somewhere, someone believes that all women behave that way. We don’t. We don’t always talk about sex and we’re not all hung up on past relationships. And we certainly do not all obsess over marriage.

I will however, very willingly, spend $10 to go see the movie.

]]> http://orangedress.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/the-lost-city/feed/ 0 orangedress Dubuque Street The Iowa River Burlington Street Bridge http://orangedress.wordpress.com/2008/06/15/the-rising-waters/ http://orangedress.wordpress.com/2008/06/15/the-rising-waters/#comments Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:06:46 +0000 orangedress http://orangedress.wordpress.com/?p=8 ]]> I am currently sitting in the flooded Iowa City. Five blocks away, the Iowa River is slowly creeping into this little town and it’s leaving me with a feeling of claustrophobia. It’s natural , obviously. There’s one exit left to the interstate from this side of the river and once you’re on that, there’s not much of anywhere to go.

It’s quite maddening.
There’s nothing much to be said other than that.

Now, my estimate is purely a random guess, but I would say that 87% of the secrets posted on that page involved the secret teller feeling, well, rather jaded. Everyone’s looking for an excuse, trying to find the reason that their relationships keep failing. Maybe, they just fail. You’d have to do some serious convincing for me to believe that your past relationship has seriously scorned you. I’m more likely to believe that you’re quite comfortable sobbing yourself to sleep and throwing mini pity parties than going through the agonizing ordeal that is the modern American social life.

Get over it, really. It’s not meant to be harsh. However, living in a constant state of grief is going to do nothing for you. Just let it go and accept that your life was marked by this person and that’s all there is. You’re not any more or less screwed up than the rest of America. Congratulations.

And for the love of God, you thirteen year old girls need to stop crying “I’m scared of getting hurt again”. C’est la vie.

I look like a madwoman today; dancing around the house in a bright orange slip baking chocolate cookies. Something must be done.

In the words of Ludwig Bemelmans–

that’s all there is, there isn’t anymore.