Por la boca muere el pez

I was engaged once.

Obviously not that long ago. Seems strange, and obviously very premature. But still, I’ve been there and that’s strange. I actually can’t believe my parents were going to let that happen, and his parents for that matter. Everyone was really excited about that… why? I was nineteen years old. We had been dating for four years, but it had been an on and off four years.

I was looking through photos of a friend of mine’s recent wedding. They are only twenty-one and twenty-two as I would have been and it blows my mind. If I had gone through with the wedding, I would be married for a month and a half at this point in time. The person that I am right now can’t even wrap her head around that. I can’t even imagine being married, right now or even in thirty years.

This isn’t the first time that it’s crossed my mind, especially within recent weeks, but every time I think about it, I wonder who was happier–the me then or the me now. I feel as though I’m happier now, but whose to really know? If I thought that there was a point in time that I could actually MARRY someone, how do I know that two years from now I will look back and wonder how I could have done any of the things I’m doing right now?

I feel much more scared now. Which is strange that I even think of that, because it’s the reason I broke off the engagement. It was not because I was scared of getting married, it was because I knew it was the safest route and I didn’t want an easy life. I wanted to feel scared, that good kind of scared that rushes through you and keeps you up at night, but that you know is there for a very good reason. And at the end of the fear, there’s something incredible. I wanted that fear and now that I have it, it’s almost overwhelming. I am terrified, of almost everything. Occasionally I get freaked out and lie in bed praying that the day never begins, but mostly I am happy with it. It’s hard to breathe, but I know that I’m working towards something that I really want. And you know what? I’m not going to let myself quit this time. I’m not changing my plans because I get scared.

I’m going to be scared and just take a huge chance on something. It’s much too easy to be indecisive and I cannot risk that.